I have had four patients commit suicide. My first was in my fourth postgraduate year. He was an art student from a devout Italian-American family in outpatient treatment with me for anxiety symptoms. I learned about the suicide in a Cleveland, OH, newspaper I had with me while en route to my first APA annual meeting. I received about as much support from the newspaper article as from my supervisor upon my return to work (a curt, "It was not your fault," was it). I learned little from the experience.
My next experience was at the National Institute of Health when I, as the weekend on-call physician, was asked to routinely screen another doctor’s inpatient for whom a pass had been ordered. He "seemed fine" to me, I let him go, and he killed himself that day. Ditto for learning (except I became more cautious).
The third was a woman with dysthymia (in those days "a depressed character") whom I had been seeing in outpatient therapy for approximately 2 years when she killed herself. I was in analytic training then and at least had the benefit of talking about it in my personal analysis.
The last suicide had been recently discharged from inpatient and partial programs, a middle-aged bachelor whom I had started to see in outpatient therapy. He came from a close-knit Eastern European-American family, and his widowed, chronically ill sister was his primary support. During the sister’s rare and well-deserved 4-day vacation in Florida without him, he killed himself. The beloved sister had accompanied him and was seen with him (each separately and together) in all of our sessions except the last. I made a home visit following the death because I knew I would be away on the day of the funeral. Interestingly, I never attended the funerals of any of the others nor made condolence calls, although in general I believe it is a good idea. For all four of these deaths I went through the feelings the authors of "Encountering Patient Suicide: A Resident’s Perspective" (
2) poignantly describe.
Certainly, my most personal encounter with suicide is one that, fortunately, most mental health clinicians do not undergo—the suicide of one’s spouse. Although attenuated by the fact that, at that time, my wife and I were living in separate cities and were in the process of divorce, my guilt, grief, and shame have, not surprisingly, made this my life’s worst experience. My relationship to my grown children and my old friends has been permanently altered—as have my own self-image and view of the world. My new wife and family have helped enormously, and my participating as a survivor (rather than in my former role as a group leader or resource person) in SOS groups has also made me a believer in their efficacy and the comfort they provide. This is why I believe that facilitating comparable groups for providers should be a departmental imperative. I also believe that the SOS movement should have special groups for provider survivors, when they have national or regional meetings for survivors with small break-out group meetings for various categories of survivors (e.g., parents, spouses, children, siblings).